The Cliched World of Harry Potter
by Silver Midnight
Summary: An American comes to Hogwarts... abd becomes the drama teacher! She then, along with Dumbledore, conform Hogwarts students into actors for various muggle plays, oprahs, and stories.
1. Default Chapter

The Princess Bride... Cliched to Harry Potter!  
By: Silver Midnight A/D- Guess what, everyone? NOTHING (but Bastet) BELONGS TO ME! TPB is S. Morgenstern's, and HP is J.K. Rowlings'.  
  
Scene 1! Hogwarts, The Great Hall  
  
(It's the first night at school, so there's gorging, crickets, and random people conversing. Dumbledore stands up.)  
  
Dumbledore- Welcome to another year at Hogwarts! Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, Slytherins and Gryffindors of all year, we have good news this year, and bad news.  
The bad news is that we are going to be cliched this year.  
  
(Chirp Chirp)  
  
The good news is that we are being cliched into The Princess Bride.  
  
(Chirp Chirp)  
  
Hermione- OOOOH! The Princess Bride! Fencing, revenge, pirates, torture, true love!  
  
(Groan)  
  
Dumbledore- And here to direct this is Miss Bastet Dasani. Please listen, she's not British, but she's a great actress.  
  
Draco-An American!? Why should we take orders from her? For all we know, she's an ugly old woman with a fat backside...  
  
(Bastet enters. For those of you who don't know her, she's REALLY tall, REALLY thin, black hair in a braid, darkly tanned skin, and sepis brown eyes that can peer into your soul.)  
  
(Chirp Chirp)  
  
Draco- I stand corrected.  
  
Harry and Ron- Ummmmmm....  
  
Bastet- (walks to the front of the room) Indeed. Actually, you won't be cast or anything until I can see how all of you are in action. I mean, personally, I think the little loudmouth is a prick for saying mean things about me and no one else can seem to think when I'm around, but we'll see what goes on.  
  
Draco- I'm not going to take orders from any mudblood! (stands) I challenge you to a duel!  
  
Bastet- Ummm... Ok... On what grounds, Miss....?  
  
Draco- Malfoy. On the grounds of me not caring and you leaving if I win, and if I don't, which won't happen, you can... (blink) ...did you call me "Miss"?  
  
Hermione- Miss Malfoy, I'd like another glass of pumpkin juice before you do your nails and make-up.  
  
Draco- (grumbles, and holds up his wand) AS I WAS SAYING!!! I will join the drama club, and become a bouncing, laughing, singing, red-headed Wesley in a periwinkle dress before you beat me!  
  
Dumbledore- (laughing) All right you two, behave.  
  
Draco- CRUCIO! (flings the curse)  
  
Bastet- (moves around it, and fires one back of her own)  
  
Draco- (is now a bouncing, laughing, singing, red-headed Wesley in a periwinkle dress, who signed his name to the drama club list.)  
  
All others- (laugh and point then rush to sign names to the list)  
  
Bastet- Well, that wasn't too hard! Now, I'll be following you all around for a month or so.  
  
Draco- (laughing, bouncing and singing) Yooooooo-u will paaaaaaaaaaaaaay for this, Daaaaasaaaaaaaaniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!  
  
Bastet- Sure, Draco.  
  
LATER THAT NIGHT  
  
Hermione- I really what to see how this play turns out  
  
Harry- Hermi, you have to ask? The Headmaster said "cliche"; we know you're going to get the lead character, I'll get the revenge one, and you and Ron will be together.  
  
Ron- How'd you kow about that?  
  
Harry, Dean, and Seamus- The snog session you put on before we came up here to the Gryffindor Common Room.  
  
Ron and Hermione- (look embarrassed)  
  
NEXT WEEK  
  
(They are all at the drama club meeting. Bastet is standing, rolling her eyes)  
  
Bastet- I'm sorry, Ron, but I've been watching you... you can't act. I mean, you can, but you can't hide your emotions, and Westley must be able to hide his emotions.  
  
Ron- So! (Whines, cries, mopes)  
  
Bastet- But Malfoy can... somehow. Ummm... Really, Malfoy... do you care so much about this person you pretend to hate?  
  
Draco- (blink) Well, yeah, but how can you tell?  
  
Bastet- (Sly wink) I'm an actress; I tell these things. What I really need is for my father to step up and help.  
  
Draco and Hermione- We'll figure out something... (They head out.)  
  
Ron- Why is she going with Malfoy? And why am I not going to get a good part?  
  
Bastet- But you will.... but you still can't act.  
  
THE NEXT MONTH  
  
(They are at dinner once again. Harry-tachi is eating Ron trying to eat and kiss Hermione's hand at the same time, Harry trying to finish his Potion's essay, the rest of the Gryffindors are rolling their eyes and also trying to finish Potions. Draco is glaring at Bastet, who got him in trouble when he wanted to set a blast-ended srewt on her. All is going well, then Dumbledore stands.)  
  
Dumbledore- All the drama club, Miss Dasani is waiting in the dungeons for you, in the Potion's classroom, and we all must thank Professor Snape for letting the Drama Club use his classroom for NIGHTLY rehearsals.  
  
Snape- (grumbles something about "bloody Gryffindors" )  
  
(So, they all start to eat and Bastet comes in again)  
  
All- What's going on?  
  
Bastet- Huh?  
  
Draco- I think that we mean, you filthy girl, is that we want to know the cast. And who my female lead is.  
  
Bastet- You're lucky to get a character with just a first name, buffoon.  
  
Draco- Whatever.  
  
Bastet- Shut-up, Miss Malfoy, or I'll turn you into a carrot. (ignoring all the stares at her.) Actually, I've casted and we're going to begin right now, because I'm hungry and the faster we get this done the faster I can eat.  
  
(See, what's neat about Bastet is that she breaks rules with no regrets... like the no-apperating ban on Hogwarts. So she apperated them all to the dungeon... well, ye olde main characters, anyways.)  
  
Bastet- Ok... Miss Draco Malfoy... You're Westley.  
  
Draco- Who? I don't want to be crappy mini character Westley. I want the main character and I'll pay you 2,000 galleons to play this main character and I promise I'll do it really good.  
  
Bastet- Ok. (hands him a contract for the money and Draco signs it) Draco, you're Westley.  
  
Draco- But-but.... DADDY!!!!!  
  
Hermione- Westley IS the main character, Malfoy.  
  
Bastet- And I'm richer than I was a minute ago. Oh, Hermione? You're our Buttercup.  
  
Hermione- I'm Buttercup? (faint)  
  
(Draco cataches her)  
  
Ron- Hey, I'm her boyfriend and Hermione can't be with anyone but me!  
  
Bastet- But she is. You're Humperdinck.  
  
Ron- Who? No matter, come to me, my Hermione!  
  
Harry- Honestly, Ron! Humperdinck's the evil prince of Florin who forces Buttercup to marry him!  
  
Ron- Oh.  
  
(Suddenly, someone's little patch of private darkness apeared, along with an 18 year old Tom Riddle. Tom runs and hugs Bastet, clinging.)  
  
Bastet- DOWN! (he obeys). Good, Tom, you're playing Tyron Rugen, the Count.  
  
Tom- Do I have to?  
  
Bastet- YES. Fezzik is Hagrid, but he has to shave his beard off.  
  
Hagrid- Awww..  
  
Bastet- Vizzini is Headmaster Dumbledore, by request.  
  
Dumbledore- Such is the honour of the Sicilian.  
  
Bastet- Certainly, Headmaster. Harry, you're...  
  
Harry- Let me guess. Inigo Montoya of Arabella, Spain.  
  
Bastet- Ummm... yeah. Colin Creevey... Yellin. Dean Thomas is the Albino.  
  
Dean- But I'm too dark to play an albino.  
  
Bastet- It'll be funny. Miralce Max and Valerie are Seamus and Lavender. Ye olde booing lady is Padma Patil, and Neville is the Archbishop!  
  
(Neville studders)  
  
Bastet- Repeat after me: Mawidge is a dweam wiffin a dweam.  
  
Neville- M-Mawidge is a dw-dweam wiffin a dweam.  
  
Bastet- See? The Grand father and the grandson are going to be done by Percy, who is here on Ministry business, and Ginny.... well, she'll be a granddaughter. Now, are we done complaining?  
  
(Nod)  
  
Are we done moaning?  
  
(Nod)  
  
Do we have any questions?  
  
(Nod)  
  
Draco- What do I do with this girl here? (hold Hermione in his arms, still) We can't have a fainting female lead, can we?  
  
Bastet- Draco, how would you norally wake up a girl in your arms?  
  
Draco- Ohhhh... (he kisses her while Ron is being violently restrained by the rest of the cast.)  
  
Hermione- (awakens) Oh my... When do we start!? (starts bouncing)  
  
Bastet- ...umm... Tomorrow?  
  
SCENE 2!  
  
(All the teachers and the other students are back in the Great Hall. They are all seated, six months later, ready to see the blasted thing. Okay, they are all sitting and the curtain is pulled open and they see a bedroom scene)  
  
--Play--  
  
(Ginny is seen on a bed in a normal looking bedroom. She is ill and busy playing with Pig. Percy comes in and pinches her cheek.)  
  
Grandfather: And how's my little girl? I got you something.  
  
Granddaughter: (tears open the package, which is a book) A book?  
  
Grandfather: That's right, in my day, television was called books. And this is a special book. My father used to read it to me when I was sick, I read it to your father and now I'm going to read it to you.  
  
Granddaughter: Does it have Quidditch in it?  
  
Grandfather: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles….  
  
Granddaughter: It doesn't sound too bad, I'll try to stay awake.  
  
Grandfather: Thank you very much. "The Princess Bride, by S. Morgestern. Chapter 1. Buttercup grew up on a small farm in the city of Florin. Her favorite pasttimes were tormenting the farm boy and riding her horse. Nothing gave her as much pleaseure as picking on the farm boy. His name was Westley." (As he is speaking, magically they move to the left of the stage and what's going on appears on the stage.) Isn't that a wonderful beginning?  
  
Granddaughter: Great, grandpa.  
  
(Hermione/ Buttercup enters on a horse, wearing a riding dress and cloak. She rides into a barn where Draco/Westley is. She dismounts.)  
  
Buttercup: Farm boy. Polish Horse's saddle. I want to see my face shine in it.  
  
Westley: As you wish.  
  
Grandfather's voice: " 'As you wish' was all he ever said to her."  
  
Buttercup: Farm boy, fill these pails with water. (drops them at his feet, looking into his eyes) Please.  
  
Westley: As you wish.  
  
Grandfather's voice: "What Buttercup realized that when Westley was saying 'As you wish.', he was really saying 'I love you.' And what was even more amazing was the day she realized she truely did love him."  
  
(Cut to the day, outside. Buttercup and Westley are hugging, Westley has a travel bag)  
  
Buttercup: Oh my Westley, what if I never see you again?  
  
Westley: This is true love. Nothing can stop this, not even death.  
  
Buttercup: But...  
  
Westley: Hear me now: I will always come for you.  
  
(They hug and Westley leaves.)  
  
Grandfather's voice: "Westley never made it to America. On the way, his ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left surviors. When Buttercup got word that Westley was murdered..."  
  
Granddaughter: (inturrupting) Murdered by pirates is good!  
  
Grandfather's voice: "...she went into her room and shut the door. For weeks she neither slept nor ate."  
  
Buttercup: I will never love again.  
  
Grandfather's voice: "Three years later, the Great Square of Florin was filled as it had never been filled before. Everyone appeared to hear the great Prince Humperdinck's announcement."  
  
(Cut to the Great Square. Ron/Humperdinck stands on a high platform. He has bulked up a bit for the part and dyed his hair black.)  
  
Humperdinck: My people. (all the extras quiet down) My people, a few months from now, our country will be celebrating its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a woman who was once a commoner like yourselves, but perhaps you will not find her so common now. May I present... the princess Buttercup!  
  
(Buttercup enters in full regala. She looks at the people bowing and back up at Humperdinck.)  
  
Grandfather's voice: "Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the law gave Humperdinck the right to choice his bride, she did not love him. Despite Humperdinck's assurance that she would grow to love him, the only peace she found was in her daily rides."  
  
(Buttercup is now seen riding through a forest. She slows down as she sees a rag-tag group of people. One was short and intelligent looking Vizzini/Dumbledore, the next medium and a Spanard Inigo/Harry, and the last was a giant Turk Fezzik/Hagrid.)  
  
Vizzini: Excuse me, miss. We are but three lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?  
  
Buttercup: There is none, not for miles.  
  
Vizzini: Then there will be no one to hear you scream!  
  
(Fezzik grabs Buttercup and she blacks out. He takes her to the boat and puts her in there. Inigo is rigging the boat, and Vizzini is tearing a cloak and attaching it to the horse.)  
  
Inigo: What is that you're tearing?  
  
Vizzini: Fabric from the cloak of an officer of Guilder.  
  
Fezzik: Who's Guilder?  
  
Vizzini: The land across the channel... the Sworn Enemy of Florin. The prince will find the horse and think the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be confirmed. Then he'll have to go to war!  
  
Fezzik: You never said we'd have to kill anyone!  
  
Vizzini: I hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigous line of work.  
  
Fezzik: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.  
  
Vizzini: (hops on the boat, upset) Am I hearing things, or did the word 'think' escape your lips? I didn't hire you to think, I hired you to be the braun!  
  
Inigo: I agree with Fezzik.  
  
Vizzini: The orphan speaks up! It does not matter what happens to her! Remember how you were when I found you, you were sitting on the bar step, so slobbering drunk you couldn't buy brandy! (turns down to Fezzik, who has already set them asail) And you! Friendless, hopeless, brainless! Do you want to go back to that; unemployed, in Greenland!? (goes to the middle of the ship) Now we wait to sail to Guilder.  
  
Inigo: (walks down to Fezzik) That Vizzini... he can...fuss.  
  
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss... He likes to yell...at us.  
  
Inigo: Probably means no harm.  
  
Fezzik: He's really very short on charm.  
  
Inigo: You see? You have a great gift for rhyme!  
  
Fezzik: Yes, yes... some of the time.  
  
Vizzini: Enough of that!  
  
Inigo: Fezzik! Are there any rocks ahead?  
  
Fezzik: If there are, we'll all be dead!  
  
Vizzini: No more rhymes, now I mean it!  
  
Fezzik: Does anybody want a peanut?  
  
Vizzini: (Yells in frustration)  
  
(It is now night. Vizzini is watching Buttercup, Fezzik's stearing, and Inigo's looking behind them.)  
  
Vizzini: We're an hour away. (sees Inigo) Why are you doing that?  
  
Inigo: To see if anyone is following us.  
  
Vizzini: That would be inconceivable.  
  
Buttercup: No matter what you think, you will be caught. There is no better hunter in the world than Humperdinck, and when he catches you, you'll all be hanged.  
  
Vizzini: Of all the necks on this boat, you should be concerned with yours. (yells at Inigo) Stop doing that! In an hour we'll be safe on the Guilder frontier.  
  
Inigo: You're sure no one could have followed us?  
  
Vizzini: Like I said, that would be totally, completely, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could have gotten here so quickly. (Beat) Out of curiousity, why do you ask?  
  
Inigo: I happened to look back, and something is there.  
  
Vizzini: What? (runs to look) It's probably just a local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise...in the middle of the night... through eel infested waters....  
  
(A splash is heard. Buttercup had jumped off the boat and started to swim to shore)  
  
Vizzini: Go in after her!  
  
Inigo: I can't swim!  
  
Fezzik: I only dog paddle!  
  
Vizzini: (yells in frustration) Follow me! (moves to the edge of the boat as a shriek is heard.) You hear that, Highness? Those are the Shrieking Eels! They always shriek louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! (An eel glides past her, and she moves away from it) If you come back now, I promise no harm will come to you. I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels.  
  
(Grandfather and Granddaughter go back into view)  
  
Grandfather: She doesn't get eaten by the eels, you know.  
  
Graddaughter: What?  
  
Grandfather: You looked worried, I'm explaining that she doesn't get eaten by the eels.  
  
Granddaughter: I wasn't worried... maybe a little concerned, but that's not worry.  
  
Grandfather: Because I can stop now...  
  
Granddaughter: No, you can read some more.... if you want.  
  
(Back to the waters. Buttercup looks like she's about to get eaten, then Fezzik reaches down and grabs her in the moonlight.)  
  
Vizzini: Put her down!  
  
Inigo: I think he's getting closer!  
  
Vizzini: He's no concern of ours! (Ties up Buttercup's hands) I suppose you think you're brave.  
  
Buttercup: Only compared to some.  
  
(Daylight comes, and the boat Buttercup is on is being followed closer by a small black boat with a black sail.)  
  
Inigo: I think he's catching up to us!  
  
Vizzini: He's too late! Look! The Cliffs of Insanity! He'll have to go around, since only Fezzik's strong enough to climb.  
  
(They strap Buttercup, Inigo and Vizzini to Fezzik as he begins to climb up the rope. A masked man unboards the little other boat and begins to climb the rope.)  
  
Inigo: He's here.... and he's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us!  
  
Vizzini: Inconceivable! (to Fezzik) I thought you're supposed to be this great thing, and yet he gains!  
  
Fezzik: Well, I've got three people, and he's only got himself!  
  
Vizzini: I don't accept excuses, you want me to leave you here?  
  
Fezzik: Don't say that, Vizzini.  
  
Vizzini: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?!  
  
(They reach the top and Fezzik pulls the four of them up. Vizzini grabs a knife and saws away at the rope. Finally, he cuts through it. It falls 1000 feet to the bottom of the cliffs. They all look over to see the masked man holding on to the cliffs themselves.)  
  
Vizzini: He didn't fall? Inconceivable!  
  
Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.  
  
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he must have seen us with the princess and must therefore die. We'll head to the Guilder fronter. If he falls, fine; if not, the sword.  
  
Inigo: I'm going to duel him left-handed.  
  
Vizzini: You KNOW what a hurry we're in!  
  
Inigo: If I use my right, over too quickly.  
  
Vizzini: Have it your way! (stands away from the cliffs with Buttercup)  
  
Fezzik: Be careful, Inigo. People in masks cannot be trusted. (Inigo nods)  
  
Vizzini: (annoyed) I'm waiting!  
  
Inigo: (as Fezzik, Vizzini, and Buttercup leave, he practises, then looks back down) Hello down there.  
  
Masked Man: Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but this isn't as easy as it looks, so if you could just...  
  
Inigo: Of course. Sorry. (after a moment) Are you sure you can't hurry up?  
  
Masked Man: If you're in such a hurry, why don't you lower a rope or something.  
  
Inigo: I could do that, I have some rope up here. But I do not think you will accept my help since I'm just waiting around to kill you.  
  
Masked Man: That does put a damper on our relationship.  
  
Inigo: BUT I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.  
  
Masked Man: No, you'll just have to wait.  
  
Inigo: I hate waiting... (thinks) I can give you my word as a Spaniard!  
  
Masked Man: I've known too many Spaniards.  
  
Inigo: Isn't there anything you can think of to make you trust me?  
  
Masked Man: Not that I can think of, no.  
  
Inigo: I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive.  
  
Masked Man: Throw me the rope.  
  
(Inigo throws down the rope and the Masked Man climbs up.)  
  
Masked Man: Thank you. (draws his sword)  
  
Inigo: W-Wait until you're ready.  
  
Masked Man: Again, thanks. (He sitsa on a rock, and Inigo sits across from him)  
  
Inigo: I do not mean to pry... but you don't happen to have six fingers on your right hand, do you?  
  
Masked Man: Do you always begin conversations this way?  
  
Inigo: No, my father was killed by a six fingered man. (The Masked Man holds up his right hand, showing five fingers.) Ah, I see. My father was a great swordsmith. The six fingered man found him and asked him to make a sword. My father agreed and worked for a year on it. The man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth the promised price. My father gave me the sword and the six fingered man killed him. I challenge him to a duel.  
  
Masked Man: How old were you?  
  
Inigo: I was ten. The six fingered man left me alive, but with a gift. (points to two scars on his cheeks, one on each cheek) I have studied for twenty years, and when I meet this man again, I will not lose. I will say: "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."  
  
Masked Man: You've had a lot of time to think this over. You've done nothing but study your sword?  
  
Inigo: More pursue than study lately. I just took up with Vizzini to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.  
  
Masked Man: (stands and draws) Well, I hope you find him.  
  
Inigo: You are ready, then? (Stands and draws)  
  
Masked Man: You've been more than fair.  
  
Inigo: You seem a descent fellow, I hate to kill you.  
  
Masked Man: You seem a descent fellow. I hate to die.  
  
(They start by testing each other, each man with his sword in his left hand.)  
  
Inigo: You are using Bonetti's defense against me, ah?  
  
Masked Man: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain.  
  
Inigo: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro.  
  
Masked Man: Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro. Don't you?  
  
Inigo: Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa; which I have.  
  
(The fight continues all over the stage).  
  
Inigo: You are wonderful! I admit, you are better than I am.  
  
Masked Man: Then why are you smiling?  
  
Inigo: Because I know something you don't know.  
  
Masked Man: And what is that?  
  
Inigo: I am not left-handed!  
  
(Inigo moves the sword to his right hand, taking control of the fight)  
  
Masked Man: You're amazing. But there's something I ought to tell you.  
  
Inigo: What?  
  
Masked Man: I'm not left handed either. (switches the sword to his right hand, clearly more skilled.)  
  
Inigo: Who are you?  
  
Masked Man: No one of consequence.  
  
Inigo: I must know!  
  
Masked Man: Get used to disappointment.  
  
(The Masked Man disarms Inigo, and Inigo goes to his knees)  
  
Inigo: Kill me quickly.  
  
Masked Man: I would sooner destroy a stained glass window before an artist like yourself. But since I can't have you follow me either. (knocks Inigo on the head with the butt of the sword, and heads off in the same way Vizzini and Fezzik did.)  
  
(Cut to Vizzini, Feezik, and Buttercup)  
  
Fezzik: Inigo lost!  
  
Vizzini: Inconceivable! That's Inigo coming back!  
  
Fezzik: You're right, Vizzini. You're always right. Inigo beat the man in black, dyed his hair blonde, and gained 80 pounds.  
  
Vizzini: You fool, that's not Inigo! Here, I'll take the princess and you finish him... your way.  
  
Fezzik: My way. Thank you Vizzini... Um... What's my way?  
  
Vizzini: Pick up a rock, stand behind the boulder. In a moment, the man in black will appear. The minute his head is in view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!!!  
  
Fezzik: (as Vizzini and Buttercup leave) My way is not very sportsman like. (He obeys anyways. When the Masked Man appears, Fezzik just misses his head.)  
  
Fezzik: I did that on purpose, I didn't have to miss.  
  
Masked Man: I believe you. Now what?  
  
Fezzik: We fight as God intended: sportsman-like. No tricks. Just skill against skill.  
  
Masked Man: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people?  
  
Fezzik: I could kill you now.  
  
Masked Man: I believe the odds are slightly in your favor. (puts his sword down as Fezzik puts down the rock and they go at it. The Masked Man jumps on Fezzik's back and tries to choke him. He succeds, and he pats Fezzik)  
  
Masked Man: I don't envy you the headache you'll have when you wake up, but for now, sleep well, and dream of large women.  
  
(He pickes up his sword and heads off toward Vizzini. Cut to the Cliffs of Insanity. Humperdinck and his guard, including Count Rugen/Tom are there.)  
  
Humperdinck: There was a great duel... They were both masters...  
  
Rugen: Who won?  
  
Humperdinck: The loser went off on his own, but the winner followed these other footprints... toward Guilder! (Hops on his horse)  
  
Rugen: Shall we follow them both?  
  
Humperdinck: The loser means nothing. Only the princess matters! There will be great suffering in Guilder if she is dead!  
  
Rugen: Do you think this might be a trap?  
  
Humperdinck: I always think everything could be a trap. That's why I'm still alive.  
  
(They leave toward Guilder. Cut to a grassy knoll. Vizzini is sitting there with a knife at Buttercup's throat. The Masked Man appears.)  
  
Vizzini: So... it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish her dead, by all means, keep coming forward.  
  
Masked Man: Let me explain.  
  
Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to take what I've rightfully stolen. (The Masked Man moves a little closer.) And you're killing her. (He stops)  
  
Masked Man: Then if no arrangement can be made, then we are at an impass.  
  
Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I'm no match for you physically, and you're no match for my brains.  
  
Masked Man: You're that smart?  
  
Vizzini: Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?  
  
Masked Man: (Nod)  
  
Vizzini: Morons.  
  
Masked Man: In that case I challenge you to a battle of wits.  
  
Vizzini: For the princess? (Nod) To the death? (Nod) I accept.  
  
Masked Man: Good, then pour the wine. (Vizzini puts away his dagger and purs two goblets full of wine. The Masked Man takes a small packet out of his shirt and opens it.) Inhale this but do not touch.  
  
Vizzini: (does so) I smell nothing.  
  
Masked Man: What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is tasteless, odorless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly posions. (He takes both goblets and adds the iocane to a goblet while turned around. He turns back around and sets the goblets back down.) Where is the posion? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you choose and we both drink and find out who is right... and who is dead.  
  
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is use what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the posion in his own cup or his enemies? You see, a clever man would put the posion in his own cup because only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I wasn't a great fool; you must have counted on it, so I can cleary not choose the wine in front of me.  
  
Masked Man: You've decided, then?  
  
Vizzini: Not remotely! Because iocane comes from Australia. As everyone knows, Australia is peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.  
  
Masked Man: Truely, you have a dizzying intellect.  
  
Vizzini: Wait 'till I get going! Where was I?  
  
Masked Man: Australia.  
  
Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would know the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine, in front of me?  
  
Masked Man: You're stalling.  
  
Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, so you could have put the posion iin your own cup trusting on your strength to save you. But you've also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied, and in studied you must have learned that man is mortal; putting the posion as far away from yourself as possible.  
  
Masked Man: You're trying to trick me into giving something away; it won't work.  
  
Vizzini: It HAS worked! You've given everything away, I know where the posion is!  
  
Masked Man: Then make your choice.  
  
Vizzini: I will, and I choose... (points behind the Masked Man) What in the world can that be?  
  
Masked Man: What? Where? (Looks behind him and Vizzini switches the goblets. The Masked Man turns back around. ) I didn't see anything.  
  
Vizzini: I swore I saw something. Anyway, let's drink; me from my glass and you from yours. (chuckling)  
  
(They drink.)  
  
Masked Man: You guessed wrong.  
  
Vizzini: You only think I did; that's what's so funny! I switched the glasses! You fell for one of the classic blunders. The most important one is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia" but only slightly less well know is this: "Never go in against a Silician when DEATH is on the line!" (Laughing... until he falls down dead. The Masked Man removes Buttercup's blindfold.)  
  
Buttercup: (Is helped to stand.) Who are you?  
  
Masked Man: No one to be triffled with.  
  
Buttercup: And to think all this time it was your cup that was posioned.  
  
Masked Man: They were both posioned. Over the last few years I built an immunity to iocane powder.  
  
(He grabs her hand and they begin to run.)  
  
(Cut to Humperdinck and Count)  
  
Humperdinck: Someone has beaten a giant! There will be great suffering in Guilder if she is harmed!  
  
(Cut back to Buttercup and the Masked Man.)  
  
Masked Man: Rest a moment, Highness.  
  
Buttercup: If you'll release me, I promise you'll receive whatever you ask for.  
  
Masked Man: And what is that worth, the promise of a woman? That's very funny, Highness.  
  
Buttercup: I was giving you a chance. It doesn't matter where you take me, my prince will come for me. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day, he can find you.  
  
Masked Man: You believe your true love will find you.  
  
Buttercup: I never said he was my true love; and yes, he will come for me.  
  
Masked Man: You admit you do not love your finance.  
  
Buttercup: He knows I do not love him.  
  
Masked Man: Are not capible of love, you mean.  
  
Buttercup: I have loved more deeply than a killer like you could ever know!  
  
Masked Man: (raises his hand to strike her) The next time my hand flies, I won't stop it. Where I come from there are penalties when a woman lies! (They take off again.)  
  
(Cut back to Humperdinck)  
  
Humperdinck: (by Vizzini's dead body.) Iocane. I bet my life on it. She's alive, or was, an hour ago. If she is other wise, I will be very put out...  
  
(Let's go back to Buttercup and the Masked Man.)  
  
Buttercup: I know who you are, your cruelity reveils everything. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!  
  
Masked Man: With pride. (bows) What can I do for you?  
  
Buttercup: You can die a horrible death, cut into a thosand tiny pieces.  
  
Masked Man: That's hardly complimentary, Highness.  
  
Buttercup: You killed my love.  
  
Masked Man: It's possible. I kill a lot of people. (beat) So who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one?  
  
Buttercup: No. A farm boy. Poor... poor and perfect. ...On the high seas your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Roberts never leaves surviors.  
  
Masked Man: I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey and then it's nothing but work, work, work all the time.  
  
Buttercup: You mock my pain!  
  
Masked Man: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something. (pause) I remember this love of yours. This was what? Five years ago? He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts. He simply said "Please. Please, I need to live." T'was the "Please" that caught my attention. I asked what was so important for him, "True love.", he said. Then he spokle of a woman of surpassing beauty and endoring faithfulness, I can only assume he meant you. You should be glad I killed him before he found out what you really are!  
  
Buttercup: And what am I?  
  
Masked Man: Faithfulness, madam, he spoke of your endoring faithfulness! Tell me, when you heard he was dead, were you engaged to your prince at the same hour or did you wait a week out of respect?!  
  
Buttercup: You mocked me once, never do it again! (They stood, the Masked Man at the egde of the cliff. He looks up to see Humperdinck's horses. Buttercup shoves the Masked Man down the hill.) You can die, too, for all I care!  
  
Masked Man: (Calls as he is falling, his mask falling off) Aaaaaaaaaaaas yoooooooooooou wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish...!  
  
Buttercup: Oh, my sweet Westley, what have I done? (falls after him. They roll down the hill and land across from each other.)  
  
(Cut to Humperdinck)  
  
Humperdinck: They've disappeared. He must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking and error. Unless I am wrong-- and I am never wrong-- they are headed dead into the Fire Swamp.  
  
(Back to Westley and Buttercup)  
  
Westley: Can you move at all?  
  
Buttercup: Move? You're alive! If you want, I can fly!  
  
Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?  
  
Buttercup: Well, you were dead.  
  
Westley: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.  
  
Buttercup: I will never doubt again  
  
Westley: There will never be a need. (They lean in to kiss....)  
  
(Cut to Granddaughter and Grandfather)  
  
Granddaughter: Ugh. They're doing it again. They're kissing. Do we have to read that?  
  
Grandfather: You've been sick; I'll humour you, even though there is no reunion scene. Just parethesises.  
  
(Cut to Buttercup and Westley)  
  
Westley: Ah! Your pig fiance is too late! A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp.  
  
Buttercup: We'll never survive!  
  
Westley: Nonsense, you're only saying that because no one ever has. (They enter a dreary looking swamp area. After they enter it more, Westley looks around.) It's really not that bad. (Buttercup stares.) I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely. (Stare.)  
  
(There is a POP POP POP sound heard, followed by a FOOF! Buttercup's dress catches on fire. Westley puts it out.)  
  
Westley: One thing I will say, the Fire Swamp certainly keeps you on your toes.  
  
(POP POP POP FOOF! Westley picks Buttercup up and moves her out of the danger.)  
  
Westley: This will all soon be but a happy memory. So Roberts' ship Revenge was anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts.  
  
Buttercup: But how is that possible? since he has been marauding twenty years, and you only left me five years ago?  
  
Westley: I myself am often surprised by life's little quirks. You see, what I told you about saying "please" was true. I intrigued Roberts, as did my description of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right, Westley; I've never had a valet: you can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that: "Good night, Westley; good work, sleep well; I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me; I was learning to fence, fight--anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened. (He carries her in his arms.)  
  
Buttercup: What? Go on.  
  
Westley: Well, Roberts had grown so rich he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin, and told me his secret. "I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts," he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either. His name was Cummberbund. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia." Then he explained: the NAME was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew, and he stayed aboard for a while as first mate, all the time calling me "Roberts." Once the crew believed, ah-- he left the ship, and I have been Roberts ever since. Except now that we are together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you? (Puts her down)  
  
(Buttercup nods, and takes another step... into a patch of sand and she disappears. Westley grabs a tree branch and dives in after her. After a minute or two, Westley pulls the two of them up out of the stuff and sets them on the side, coughing up sand.)  
  
Buttercup: (hugging Westley) We'll never succeed! We might as well die here.  
  
Westley: No, no! We've already succeed! (Stand them both up) What are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurts. No problem, there's a popping sound before each one. Two, the Snow Sand, which you were clever enough to discover on your own.  
  
Buttercup: Westley, what about the ROUS's?  
  
Westley: Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't believe they exist. (He is then attacked by one. The ROUS bites his shoulder up. He then hears the POP POP POP of a flame spurt and throws the ROUS in that. He then picks up his sword and stabs the thing. They leave, and proceed out of the Fire Swamp.)  
  
Buttercup: We did it.  
  
Westley: Now, was that so terrible?  
  
(Humperdinck shows up again)  
  
Humperdinck: Surrender!  
  
Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.  
  
Humperdinck: I give you full marks for bravery; don't make yourself a fool.  
  
Westley: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.  
  
Humperdinck: I tell you once again: surrender!  
  
Westley: It will not happen. (Buttercup looks around, seeing archers with arrows knocked and ready to fly at Westley.)  
  
Humperdinck: For the last time, surrender!  
  
Westley: Death first!  
  
Buttercup: Will you promise not to hurt him?  
  
Humperdinck: What was that?  
  
Westley: What was that?  
  
Buttercup: If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?  
  
Humperdinck: May I live a thousand years and never hunt again.  
  
Buttercup: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship.  
  
Humperdinck: I swear it will be done. ... Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Zoo of Death.  
  
Rugen: I swear it will be done.  
  
Buttercup: I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again. What more than I could save you? (Humperdinck picks her up and they gallop off.)  
  
Rugen: Come, sir. We must get you to your ship.  
  
Westley: We are men of action. Lies do not become us.  
  
Rugen: Well spoken, sir. ...What is it?  
  
Westley: You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you.  
  
(Rugen takes out his sword and thumps Westley on the head.)  
  
(Westley wakes up chained to a table where an albino/Dean is waiting on him.)  
  
Westley: Where am I?  
  
Albino: The Zoo of Death! Don't even think about tryin' to escape; the chains are far to thick. Have no dream of bein' rescued, either; the only way in is secret; only the Prince, the Count and I know how to get in and out.  
  
WESTLEY: Then I'm here 'till I die?  
  
ALBINO: 'Till they kill you, yeah.  
  
WESTLEY: Then why bother curing me?  
  
Albino: (sighs) The Prince and the Count always insist on everyone bein' healthy... before they're broken.  
  
Westley: So it's to be torture.  
  
Albino: (Nod nod)  
  
Westley: I can cope with torture.  
  
Albino: (shakes head)  
  
Westley: You don't believe me?  
  
Albino: You survived the Fire Swamp, you must be very brave; but NOBODY withstands the Machine.  
  
(Switch to Humperdinck and Rugen. Buttercup passes in fornt of them, looking upset.)  
  
Humperdinck: She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her.  
  
Rugen: Of course.  
  
Grandfather: "The king died that very night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their Queen."  
  
Humperdinck: My father's final words were ---  
  
(Cut to bedroom scene)  
  
Granddaughter: Hold it, hold it, Grandpa-- you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Westley. Just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him... it wouldn't be fair.  
  
Grandfather: Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written?  
  
Granddaughter: I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!  
  
Grandfather: Do you want me to go on with this?  
  
Granddaughter: Yes...  
  
Grandfather: All right then; no more interruptions. "At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their Queen."  
  
(Cut back to Humperdinck)  
  
Humperdinck: My father's final words were, "Love her as I loved her, and there will be joy." I present to you your Queen: Queen Buttercup! (There is a fanfare, and Buttercup enters in her regala again, but with a crown this time. Booing lady/ Padma is standing in the crowd of bowers.)  
  
Booing Lady: Boo! Boo! Boooo!  
  
Buttercup: Why do you do this?  
  
Booing Lady: Because you had love in your hands! And you gave it up!  
  
Buttercup: But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done it.  
  
Booing Lady: Your true love lives! And you marry another. True love saved her in the Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage! And that's what she is-- the Queen of Refuse! So bow down to her if you want! Bow to her! Bow to the Queen of Slime! The Queen of Filth! The Queen of Putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! BOOOO!! (Buttercup wakes up.)  
  
(Cut to bedroom)  
  
Grandfather: It was ten days till the wedding. The king still lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were growing steadily worse.  
  
Granddaughter: See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck?  
  
Grandfather: Yes. You're very smart. Shut up.  
  
(Cut back to Buttercup, who is rushing into Humperdinck's rooms.)  
  
Buttercup: It comes to this. I love Westley. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe, I will be dead by morning.  
  
Humperdinck: I could never cause you grief; Consider our wedding off. You returned this Westley to his ship?  
  
Rugen: Yes.  
  
Humperdinck: Then we will simply alert him! Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp; not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words.  
  
Buttercup: My Westley will always come for me.  
  
Humperdinck: Ah. I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you, bless you both. If not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide? Are we agreed? (She nods and leaves.)  
  
(In a grove of trees.)  
  
Rugen: Your Princess is really quite a winning creature. A trifle simple perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable.  
  
Humperdinck: I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever; but it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged; they'll demand that we go to war.  
  
Rugen: Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find. (Finds it, preeing it) Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Westley's got his strength back; I'm starting him on the Machine tonight.  
  
Humperdinck: Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work; but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped.  
  
Rugen: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything.  
  
(In the Zoo of Death, Westley is hooked up to suction cups by the Machine.)  
  
Rugen: Beautiful, isn't it? Took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain; presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject. So I want you to be totally honest with me on how the Machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting. (Rugen lifts the lever on the Machine, and it begins to suck at Westley)  
  
Rugen: As you know, the principle of the suction pump is centuries old. Really, that's all this is, except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you; so, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so-- be honest. How do you feel?  
  
Westley: (Whimpers and cries.)  
  
Rugen: Interesting.  
  
(At the Prince's chambers, one lone man Yellin/Colin enters)  
  
Yellin: Ahem.  
  
Humperdinck: Yellin. (beckon)  
  
YELLIN: Sire. (kneel)  
  
Humperdinck: As chief enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest, and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.  
  
Yellin: My spy network has heard no such news. (Buttercup enters, they both stand)  
  
Buttercup: Any word from Westley?  
  
Humperdinck: Too soon, my angel! Patience  
  
Buttercup: He will come for me. (Leaves, and they sit again)  
  
Humperdinck: Of course. ...She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied, and every inhabitant arrested.  
  
Yellin: Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate.  
  
Humperdinck: Form a Brute Squad, then! I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.  
  
Yellin: It won't be easy, sire.  
  
Humperdinck: Try ruling the world sometime.  
  
(Thieves' Forest.)  
  
Grandfather: The day of the wedding arrived. The Brute Squad had their hands full carrying out the Prince's orders.  
  
Yellin: Is everybody out?  
  
Brute/Crabbe: Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble.  
  
Yellin: Well, you give him some trouble. Move.  
  
(At a tavern in the forest.)  
  
Inigo: I am waiting for you, Vizzini! You told me to go back to the beginning! So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved  
  
Brute: Ho there!  
  
Inigo: I do not budge. Keep your "ho there."  
  
Brute: But the Prince gave orders!  
  
Inigo: (Inigo waves his sword at the brute.) Only Vizzini! When the job went wrong he went back to the beginning. Well, this is where we got the job. So is the beginning. And I am staying here till Vizzini come.  
  
Brute: You! Brute! Come here!  
  
Inigo: I am waiting for... Vizzini.  
  
Fezzik: You surely are a meanie. ...Hello.  
  
Inigo: It's you.  
  
Fezzik: True.(knocks the brute out) You don't look so good. (Inigo breathes out) You don't smell so good either  
  
Inigo: Perhaps no. I feel fine.  
  
Fezzik: Yeah.  
  
GRANDPA: Fezzik and Inigo were reunited. And as Fezzik nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Inigo of Vizzini's death, and the existence of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well. (Inigo faints and Fezzik dunks his head in a bucket of water.)  
  
Inigo: That's enough. That's enough! Where is this Rugen now, so I may kill him?  
  
Fezzik: He's with the Prince, in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men.  
  
Inigo: (Kicks a chair) How many could you handle?  
  
FEZZIK: I don't think more than ten.  
  
Inigo: Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never defeat that many. I need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy.  
  
Fezzik: But Vizzini is dead.  
  
Inigo: No. Not Vizzini. I need the man in black.  
  
Fezzik: What?  
  
Inigo: Look. He bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Vizzini. And the man who can do that can plan my castle onslaught any day. Let's go.  
  
Fezzik: Where?  
  
Inigo: To find the man in black, obviously.  
  
Fezzik: But you don't know where he is.  
  
Inigo: Don't bother me with trifles. After twenty years, at last my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!  
  
(In the Prince's chambers)  
  
Humperdinck: Rise and report.  
  
Yellin: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate.  
  
Humperdinck: Double it. My princess must be safe.  
  
Yellin: The gate has but one key... and I carry that. (Buttercup enters.)  
  
Humperdinck: Ah, my dulcet darling. Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Florin Channel, where every ship in our armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.  
  
Buttercup: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. (Humperdinck stares blankly) Every ship but the four you sent.  
  
Humperdinck: Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally, not those four.  
  
Yellin: Your Majesty. (leaves)  
  
Buttercup: You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't matter; Westley will come for me anyway.  
  
Humperdinck: You're a silly girl.  
  
Buttercup: Yes, I am a silly girl-- for not having seen sooner that you are nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.  
  
Humperdinck: I would not say such things if I were you.  
  
Buttercup: Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love; and you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds; and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, it is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth!  
  
Humperdinck: I would not say such things if I were you! (He runs into the Zoo of Death.To Westley, who is still strapped to the Machine) You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will. (He lifts the level up to fifty)  
  
Rugen: Not to fifty! ( Westley screams an almost inhuman scream. The Count sits back down, but the scene changes to a village)  
Inigo: Fezzik! Fezzik! Listen! Do you hear? That is the sound of Ultimate Suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. The man in black makes it now.  
  
Fezzik: The man in black?  
  
Inigo: His true love is marrying another tonight. So who else has the cause for Ultimate Suffering? 'Scuse me. Pardon me, it's important. Fezzik, please.  
  
Fezzik: Everybody, MOVE!!  
  
Inigo: Thank you. 


	2. The Princess Bride, Part II

Inigo: (To the albino, who has entered the grove with a wheelbarrow) Where is the man in black? You get there from this grove, yes? Fezzik, jog his memory. (Fezzik hits him on the head.)  
  
Fezzik: I'm sorry, Inigo... I didn't mean to jog him so hard. ...Inigo?  
  
Inigo: Father... I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone; I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please... guide my sword (His sword guides him to the tree, where he leans on the secret knot. They go down and find Westley. Fezzik listens for a heartbeat.)  
  
Fezzik: He's dead.  
  
Inigo: This is not fair..  
  
(Bedroom)  
  
Granddaughter: Grandpa, grandpa, wait, wait. What did Fezzik mean, "he's dead"? I mean, he didn't mean... dead? Westley's only faking, right?  
  
Grandfather: You want me to read this, or not?  
  
Granddaughter: Who gets Humperdinck?  
  
Grandfather: I don't understand.  
  
Granddaughter: Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end! Somebody's gotta do it. Is it Inigo? Who?  
  
Grandfather: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.  
  
Granddaughter: You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa, what did you read me this thing for?  
  
Grandfather: You know, you've been very sick, and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we oughtta stop now. (shuts book)  
  
Granddaughter: No... I'm okay, I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right.  
  
Grandfather: Okay. All right now, let's see, where were we? Ohh yes. In the Zoo of Death.  
(Back in the Zoo of Death)  
  
Inigo: The Montoyas have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Fezzik; bring the body.  
  
Fezzik: The body?  
  
Inigo: Have you any money?  
  
Fezzik: I have a little.  
  
Inigo: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.  
  
(They go to a small cottage where Inigo pounds on the door.)  
  
Miracle Max/Seamus: Go away! (knock knock knock) What? What?  
  
Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?  
  
Max: The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it why don't you give me a nice papercut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed! (slams the door, followed by more knocking.) Beat it, or I'll call the Brute Squad.  
  
Fezzik: I'm on the Brute Squad.  
  
Max: You ARE the Brute Squad.  
  
Inigo: We need a miracle. It's very important.  
  
Max: Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want somebody the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.  
  
Inigo: He's already dead.  
  
Max: He is, huh? I'll take a look. Bring him in. (lifts Westley's arm, and it flops back down.) I've seen worse.  
  
Inigo: Sir? Sir?  
  
Max: Huh?  
  
Inigo: We're in a terrible rush.  
  
Max: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?  
  
Inigo: Sixty-five.  
  
Max: Sheesh. I never work for so little. Except once; and that was a very noble cause.  
  
Inigo: This is noble, sir. His wife is... cripple. His children are on the brink of starvation.  
  
Max: Are you a rotten liar.  
  
Inigo: I need him to help me avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.  
  
Max: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cram? He probably owes you money, ah? Well, I'll ask him.  
  
Inigo: He's dead. He can't talk.  
  
Max: Woo hoo hoo! Look who knows so much, heh! Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth. Now, mostly dead, he's slightly alive. Now, all dead, well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do.  
  
Inigo: What's that?  
  
Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. ...Hey! Hello in there! What's so important? What'cha got here that's worth living for? (Presses his lungs)  
  
Westley: Trruuueee..... lloooovve...  
  
Inigo: "True love!" You heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.  
  
Max: Yeah, sonny... true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT: mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe... they're so perky; I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, "To blave..." and as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff!" So you were probably playing cards, and he cheated! And... (Valerie/Lavender runs in)  
  
Valerie: Liar! Liar! Liar!!  
  
Max: Get back, witch!  
  
Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I wanna be that anymore!  
  
Max: You never had it so good.  
  
Valerie: "True love," he said, "true love," Max!  
  
Max: Don't say another word, Valerie!  
  
Valerie: He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered!  
  
MAX: Why'd you have to say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!  
  
Valerie: What? Humperdinck? Aaah! Humperdinck! Aah. Humperdinck, Humperdinck, I'm not listening! Humperdinck! ... True love lies expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!  
  
Max: Nobody's hearin' nothin'!  
  
Valerie: Humperdinck! Humperdinck!  
  
Inigo: This is Buttercup's true love! If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding!  
  
Max: Wait. Wait. If I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?  
  
Inigo: Humiliations galore.  
  
Max: Ha haa! (Sings) That is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the job  
  
Valerie: Woo hoo!  
  
(Sees the miracle pill.)  
  
Inigo: That's a miracle pill?  
  
Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But, you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least... what?  
  
Max: An hour.  
  
Valerie: Yeah, an hour.  
  
Max: A good hour. Yeah.  
  
Inigo: Thank you for everything.  
  
Max: Okay.  
  
Valerie: Bye bye, boys.  
  
Max: Have fun storming the castle!  
  
Valerie: Think it'll work?  
  
Max: It would take a miracle. Bye bye!  
  
(On the castle wall. Fezzik and Inigo are carrying Westley.)  
  
Fezzik: Inigo! There's more than thirty.  
  
Inigo: What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force-feed him.  
  
Fezzik: Has it been fifteen minutes?  
  
Inigo: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle before hand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.  
  
Fezzik: How long do we have to wait before if we know the miracle works?  
  
Inigo: Your guess is as good as mine.  
  
Westley: I beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!  
  
Fezzik: I guess not very long.  
  
Westley: Why won't my arms move?  
  
Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day.  
  
Inigo: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.  
  
Westley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buttercup?  
  
Inigo: Let me explain: --no, there is too much. Let me sum up: Buttercup is marry Humperdinck in little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape-- after I kill Count Rugen.  
  
Westley: That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying. wiggle  
  
Fezzik: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!  
  
Westley: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?  
  
Inigo: There is but one working castle gate. And it is guarded by... (He helps Westley see over the wall) sixty men.  
  
Westley: And our assets?  
  
Inigo: Your brains. Fezzik's strength. My steel.  
  
Westley: That's it? Impossible. Maybe if I had a month to plan I could come up with something, but this... (Shakes his head)  
  
Fezzik: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?  
  
Westley: My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men and you think a little head-jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm? (Fezzik smiles.) I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.  
  
Inigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had?  
  
Fezzik: Well, with the albino, I think.  
  
Westley: Well, why didn't you list that with our assets in the first place? (Sigh) What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.  
  
Inigo: There we cannot help you.  
  
Fezzik: Will this do?  
  
Inigo: Where did you get that?  
  
Fezzik: At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.  
  
Westley: All right, all right, help me up. Now, I'll need a sword eventually.  
  
Inigo: Why? You can't even lift one.  
  
Westley: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? (His head flops and Fezzik lifts it.) Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.  
  
Inigo: I'll say. How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape?  
  
Fezzik: Don't pester. He's had a hard day.  
  
Inigo: Right. Right. Sorry. (Fezzik nods Westley's head.)  
  
Fezzik: Inigo!  
  
Inigo: What?  
  
Fezzik: I hope we win.  
  
(Chapel. Humperdinck and Buttercup are kneeing and whispering.)  
  
Humperdinck: You don't seem excited, my little muffin.  
  
Buttercup: Should I be?  
  
Humperdinck: Brides often are, I'm told.  
  
Buttercup: I do not marry tonight. My Westley will save me. (An old bishop/Neville waves the couple standing.)  
  
Bishop: Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethah today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam.  
  
(Outside the gates)  
  
Yellin: Stand your ground!  
  
Fezzik: (In the cloak and on the wheelbarrow) I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!  
  
Inigo: Now?  
  
Westley: Not yet.  
  
Fezzik: I am here. My men are here... but soon you will not be here.  
  
Inigo: Now?  
  
Westley: Light him.  
  
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors. All your worst nightmares are about to come true! (Everyone scatters.)  
  
(Chapel)  
  
Bishop: Then wove-- twue wove-- will fowww you fowevaw...  
  
(Outside the gates)  
  
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your souls!!  
  
(Chapel)  
  
Bishop: So tweasuah your wove...  
  
Humperdinck: Skip to the end.  
  
Bishop: Have you the wing?  
  
Buttercup: Here comes my Westley now.  
  
(Outside the gates)  
  
Westley: Fezzik! The portcullis! (He thrusts it open, cornering Yellin.)  
  
(Chapel)  
  
Humperdinck: Your Westley is dead. I killed him myself.  
  
Buttercup: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?  
  
(Outside the gates)  
  
Westley: Give us the gate key.  
  
Yellin: I have no gate key.  
  
Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off.  
  
Yellin: Oh, you mean this gate key.  
  
(Chapel)  
  
Bishop: And do you, Pwincess Buhhcwup...  
  
Humperdinck: "Man and wife!" Say "man and wife!"  
  
Bishop: Man and wife.  
  
Humperdinck: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.  
  
Buttercup: He didn't come.  
  
(In the first corridor)  
  
Rugen: (Sees the three.) Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning. (The men attack and Inigo kills them all.)  
  
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. (The Count runs away and Inigo follows after him. Rugen then locks a door and Inigo tries pounding on it.)  
  
Inigo: Fezzik! I need you!  
  
Fezzik: I can't leave him alone.  
  
Inigo: He's getting away from me, Fezzik! Please!! Fezzik!  
  
Fezzik: I'll be right back. (Fezzik leaves Westley in a statue and goes to Inigo, slamming his fist into the door. It opens.)  
  
Inigo: Thank you.  
  
(In the hallway)  
  
King: Strange wedding.  
  
Queen: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along now. (Buttercup kisses his cheek.)  
  
King: What was that for?  
  
Buttercup: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.  
  
King: Won't that be nice. ...She kissed me!  
  
(Various castle room)  
  
(The Count is being followed by Inigo. Rugen pulls out a Flornese dagger, and throws it at Inigo. It hits him in the stomach.)  
  
Inigo: I'm sorry, father. I tried. I tried.  
  
Rugen: You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvellous.  
  
(In the honeymoon suite)  
  
(Buttercup looks through all of her 'husband's daggers and picks one up. She holds it against her chest and is about to shove it through her heart when she hears Westley.)  
  
Westley: There is a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours  
  
Buttercup: Westley! Oh, Westley, darling! (She starts to kiss him and he tries to kiss back.) Westley, why don't you hold me?  
  
Westley: Gently.  
  
Buttercup: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say? "Gently"? (She grabs his face, planting one on his lips.)  
  
Westley: Gently! (He falls back, hitting his head.)  
  
(Various castle room)  
  
(Inigo pulls the dagger out and starts to stand, falling back once or twice.)  
  
Rugen: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble some day. (They start to duel)  
  
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die! (They fight even more aggressively.)  
  
Rugen: Stop saying that!  
  
Inigo: Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!! (Inigo dissarms Rugen, slashing one cheek.)  
  
Rugen: No!  
  
Inigo: Offer me money. (Slashs the other cheek.)  
  
Rugen: Yes.  
  
Inigo: Power too, promise me that.  
  
Rugen: All that I have and more. Please.  
  
Inigo: Offer me everything I ask for.  
  
Rugen: Anything you want.  
  
Inigo: (Stabs Rugen through the heart.) I want my father back, you son of a bh.  
  
(Honeymoon suite)  
  
Buttercup: Oh Westley, will you ever forgive me?  
  
Westley: What hideous sin have you committed lately?  
  
Buttercup: I got married. I didn't want to; it all happened so fast.  
  
Westley: It never happened.  
  
Buttercup: What?  
  
Westley: It never happened.  
  
Buttercup: But it did! I was there! This old man said "man and wife!"  
  
Westley: Did you say "I do"?  
  
Buttercup: Oh, no... we sort of skipped that part.  
  
Westley: Then you're not married. You didn't say it, you didn't do it. ...Wouldn't you agree, your Highness? (Humperdinck is standing at the door, sword drawn. He begins to enter.)  
  
Humperdinck: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the death!  
  
Westley: No! To the pain.  
  
Humperdinck: (Pause) I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.  
  
Westley: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.  
  
Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.  
  
Westley: It won't be the last. "To the pain" means the first thing you lose will be the feet, below the ankles. Then your hands, at the wrists; next, your nose.  
  
Humperdinck: And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.  
  
Westley: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right.  
  
Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with it.  
  
Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why: so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish; every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that THING?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means; it means I will leave you in agony, wallowing in freakish misery forever.  
  
Humperdinck: I think you're bluffing.  
  
Westley: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again... perhaps I have the strength after all. (Stands) Drop... your... sword. (Humperdinck's sword clatters.) Have a seat. (He sits in a chair.) Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like. Ow!  
  
Inigo: (Entering) Where's Fezzik?  
  
Westley: I thought he was with you.  
  
Inigo: No.  
  
Westley: In that case...mmm... (One knee buckles.)  
  
Inigo: Help him.  
  
Buttercup: Why does Westley need helping? (Helps Westley)  
  
Inigo: Because he has no strength.  
  
Humperdinck: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was... bluffing.  
  
Inigo: Shall I dispatch him for you?  
  
Westley: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.  
  
Fezzik: (Outside) Inigo! Inigo! (They all rush to the window) Where are you? Oh, there you are. Inigo, I was at the Prince's stables, and there they were-- four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us-- if we ever find the lady... hello, lady!... so I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. And I guess we just did.  
  
Inigo: Fezzik, you did something right.  
  
Fezzik: Don't worry. I won't let it go to my head. (Buttercup jumps and Fezzik catches her.)  
  
Inigo: You know, it's very strange... I have been in the revenge business so long; now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.  
  
Westley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts. (Westley falls and they all gallop away.)  
  
Grandfather: "They rode to freedom, and as dawn arose, Westley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them; and as they reached for each other ---"  
(Back to the bedroom)  
  
Granddaughter: What? What??  
  
Grandfather: Nah, it's kissing again. You don't wanna hear that.  
  
Granddaughter: Well... I don't mind so much.  
  
Grandfather: Ah... okay. "Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." (Buttercup and Weastley kiss) The end. Now, I think you oughtta go to sleep.  
  
Granddaughter: Okay.  
  
Grandfather: All right. Okay. ...Okay. ...Okay. All right. So long.  
  
Granddaughter: Grandpa? ...Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.  
  
Grandfather: As you wish.  
  
THE END!!!!  
  
(At the end of the whole thing, the cast comes out and is about to take a bow when they hear.... nothing.)  
  
Draco- WHAT?! (Huffs) Six months worth of work and no applause?!  
  
(Chirp Chirp)  
  
Various Hufflepuff- Kiss her again!!!!  
  
Draco- (shrugs, kissing Hermione again while Harry struggles to keep Ron from killing Draco. There is a standing ovation.)  
  
Bastet- (Walks up on stage.) Thank you, Hogwarts, for allowing we some 92 of us cliche you!  
  
Hermione and Harry- 92 of you?  
  
Bastet- You think I could pull this off on my own? Oh, and you may want to re-vamp your potions essay. Sevvie darling is such a stick in the mud, but he's not grading on length like he says, but on what's all in it.  
  
Harry: (blinks, then grins.) Uh-huh... (Hugs Bastet) Care for a tutor job...?  
  
Bastet- (grins back and they walk off.)  
  
Ron- What the hell? (Shakes head and grumbles.)  
  
Hermione- Well, I wasn't expecting that.  
  
Draco- Why not? This is a cliche, my darling Hermione.  
  
Hermione- Why, I do believe you're right, my true love.  
  
(Draco and Hermione link arms and exit stage right while the remaining cast restrain Ron and Severus looks fuming at his cover being blown by his....)  
  
Harry- (Off stage) YOU'RE HIS WHAT?!?!?!  
  
A/N- Well, that's that. Little ficcie. Oh, and by the way, Bastet comes from an unfinished (for now, anyways) fic of mine. I'm revamping the whole thing of "Black Velvet". In it... she's Sev's adopted daughter... So that's what that whole thing is about. Oh well. Have fun....!!!  
  
T.A.S.M. 


End file.
